By Burton Bumgarner Copyright 07, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 801. All rights to this play including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado
BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY By BURTON BUMGARNER CAST OF CHARACTERS # of lines MRS. GULCH...demanding literature teacher 14 JEFF CHAUCER...student who plays a newscaster 60 CHRISTINE MARLOW...student who plays a reporter 62 BOBBY BURNS...another GINA...student who plays Dr. Elvira 26 Gulch, a historian commentator BEOWULF CHARACTERS PLAYED BY STUDENTS HROTHGAR...Danish king 63 BEOWULF...hero warrior 61 GRENDEL...horrible monster who lives in a 24 swamp MRS. GRENDEL...Grendel s mother, also a horrible 34 monster UNFERTH...professional taunter 18 HYGELAC...King of Geatland 2 QUEEN...Hygelac s wife 2 THIEF...steals treasure and unleashes 2 dragon WARRIOR 1...member of Hrothgar s army 12 WARRIOR 2...another 13 WARRIOR 3...another 1 WARRIOR 4...another 8 WARRIOR...ditto 3 WIGLAF...Beowulf s sidekick 16 COURTIER 1...in the court of King Hygelac 3 COURTIER 2...ditto 3 COURTIER 3...ditto 3 EXTRA STUDENTS...as DRAGON (at least 3) and 6 WARRIORS *See Flexible Casting Note on next page for details about doubling and gender flexibility. ii
FLEXIBLE CASTING Several smaller roles can be doubled up depending on the size of the cast. For instance, GRENDEL and MRS. GRENDEL may play QUEEN, HYGELAC or THIEF in Scene Four. QUEEN, HYGELAC and WARRIOR could also play the COURTIERS. BOBBY (BOBBI), UNFERTH, THIEF, WIGLAF, WARRIORS, COURTIERS and DRAGON are all gender flexible. SETTING This play requires only a bare stage with a teacher s desk and students desks or rectangular tables to represent a high school classroom. Desks/tables will be pushed together to make one or two banquet tables (depending on your space) to represent the mead-hall. The home of Grendel and his mother is depicted FORESTAGE LEFT with no set pieces required. FORESTAGE RIGHT represents the TV studio, where JEFF CHAUCER does the newscast. Due to the class project nature of the play anything goes. Scenes should flow from one location to another seamlessly. Therefore, lighting cues are optional, and scene breaks are for rehearsal purposes only. If you wish, set pieces can be brought on to depict the mead-hall a fireplace with a deer roasting on a spit, and stuffed animal heads, swords and a team picture on the walls. iii
Beowulf: User-Friendly - Suggested Set Design iv PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS
1 2 3 BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY Scene One LIGHTS UP: ALL STUDENTS ENTER RIGHT, carrying backpacks or notebooks, and sit at their desks. Some start reviewing their notes. Several put their heads down and go to sleep. MRS. GULCH ENTERS RIGHT. ALL sigh in depressed recognition. GULCH: Students! Wake up! (ALL sit up straight.) I know I don t have the reputation as the easiest instructor in this school STUDENTS: No, ma am! GULCH: Or the most popular STUDENTS: No, ma am! GULCH: Some of you may interpret my strictness and my obsession with details as a lack of care and concern for your personal happiness, security and future achievements (STUDENTS lean forward. Yells.) and you re right! (STUDENTS jump back.) My job is to teach early English Literature! If you learn about it, you pass. If you don t well, then you ll be with me next year. (JEFF raises his hand.) What is it, Mr. Chaucer? JEFF: Aren t you supposed to retire one of these days? You are getting pretty old. GULCH: (To JEFF.) Aren t you supposed to graduate one of these days, Mr. Chaucer? You re getting pretty old yourself! (Addresses class.) Now, last week not one of you passed the exam on Old English Literature. The principal doesn t look kindly on teachers whose entire classes fail. Therefore, I offered you a chance at redemption. I ve taught the story of Beowulf for a long time. CHRISTINE: Maybe you should teach something else, Mrs. Gulch. GULCH: Maybe you should learn something period, Miss Marlowe! Now, does anyone else have anything rude they d like to say before we continue? (ALL raise their hands.) Forget it! I m tired of your behavior, and I m tired of you showing no respect for the literature of antiquity. Last week, I issued a challenge. YOU are to teach ME the story of Beowulf. If you cover the characters, the events and the historical themes, there may be the slightest possibility that you could pass my course. Have any of you thought about this offer since last week? STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! GULCH: And did you decide to dismiss it? STUDENTS: No, ma am! BOBBY: We d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than spend another year in your class. 1
1 2 3 GULCH: I d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than have you as students another year. So, are you ready? STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! GULCH: You are the teachers. I am the student. STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! JEFF: Can we send you to after school detention? GULCH: No! Jeff Chaucer. (JEFF stands.) Since you give me the most trouble, you re in charge. JEFF: Yes, ma am! (Salutes, military style.) GULCH: We re now going to play a little game called You re so smart, you teach it! Your version of Beowulf had better be accurate, tasteful and well researched. STUDENTS: (Stand at attention.) Yes, ma am! (Salute military style.) GULCH: I m going to sit down here. (Takes an empty seat in the first row of the AUDIENCE.) You have 0 minutes! JEFF: Ready! STUDENTS: Ready! JEFF: Aim! STUDENTS: Aim! JEFF: Let s tell this story! (ALL loudly cheer and throw their backpacks to the side. They arrange desks into one or two banquet tables. ALL EXIT RIGHT except BOBBY, BEOWULF, GRENDEL, MRS. GRENDEL, HIGELAC and QUEEN, who EXIT LEFT. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One Scene Two LIGHTS UP: JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT with a handheld microphone. He is now a newscaster in studio. JEFF: (Addresses GULCH and the AUDIENCE.) Good evening. This is Jeff Chaucer with a special report Beowulf: User-Friendly! I know all of our viewing public is anxious to find out what happened well, some of our viewing public is anxious well, not really anxious. Mildly curious, maybe? Anyway, we re going to do this special report whether anyone wants to hear about it or not. First, let s go to our investigative reporter Christine Marlowe for a perspective on some recent events. (CHRISTINE ENTERS RIGHT with a handheld microphone and crosses DOWNSTAGE. She is on location. ) Christine, are you there? CHRISTINE: I m here, Jeff. And I can tell you these recent events you ve referred to are not recent at all. 2
1 2 3 JEFF: Perhaps you could give us some insight, Christine. CHRISTINE: We located an expert on this story at a local museum. May I present Dr. Elvira Gulch, a true historical artifact. (GINA ENTERS RIGHT dressed as Mrs. Gulch.) Dr. Gulch, is it true you re an expert on Old English Literature? GINA: (Pretends to be hard of hearing.) Eh? Where s what? CHRISTINE: (Loud voice.) Old English Literature! What makes you an expert? GINA: Speak up, young lady! I can t hear you! CHRISTINE: (Louder voice.) Dr. Gulch! I don t mean to be a cynic GINA: (Loud.) Yes. I know where it is! (Points OFF RIGHT.) You go down the hallway and turn right! CHRISTINE: No! I m not talking about the clinic! GULCH: (Stands up in the AUDIENCE.) You re wasting time! CHRISTINE/GINA/JEFF: (Heads bowed.) Sorry. CHRISTINE: But it WAS funny. Anyway, give us the scoop, Dr. Gulch. GINA: Sure thing, Christine. First of all, we re dealing with a manuscript that dates back to the year 00. JEFF: Whoa! That s older than that car you drive, Christine. CHRISTINE: Yes, Jeff. It is. In fact, it s almost as old as that hairpiece you re wearing. JEFF: (Reaches up and touches his hair. Uncomfortable.) Yes, well. So, we re dealing with a thousand-year-old poem. GINA: Not only that, the actual story takes place some 0 years earlier. CHRISTINE: So, how does that work? GINA: Well, Christine. The poem was believed to have been composed around the year 700 AD. It was, of course, a story that passed down through oral tradition until someone wrote it down. JEFF: If it s such hot stuff, why didn t they publish it? CHRISTINE: You might not believe this, Jeff, but the printing press wasn t invented until the early 16 th century. JEFF: Wow. That s almost interesting, Christine. CHRISTINE: There s more, Jeff. JEFF: I was afraid of that. CHRISTINE: Please continue, Dr. Gulch. GINA: Beowulf is a long narrative poem written in the Anglo-Saxon language known as Old English. It has a lot of Germanic influences, and it s just plain impossible to read unless you have a translation, 3
1 2 3 or you re an expert on the languages of antiquity like me. I m so old I remember when Old English was New English. CHRISTINE: What she s saying, Jeff, is if you can read English, and I m not saying you can, you d have a heck of a time reading Beowulf in its original form. JEFF: Well, that s nice to know. Tell us, Dr. Gulch. What s with that name? Is Beowulf like Wolfman, or some kind of vampire or something? GINA: No, Jeff. JEFF: (Long, uncomfortable pause.) Oh. Well, that s good to know. CHRISTINE: Well, Dr. Gulch has to go back to the museum. (To GINA.) That Stone Age exhibit just isn t the same without you. Right? GINA: Actually, I don t have anywhere to go. CHRISTINE: Yes, you do. (Shoves GINA OFF RIGHT.) JEFF: I believe we have some video to show our viewers. This video was taken in King Hrothgar s mead-hall. Tell us, Christine, who is King Hrothgar and what is a mead-hall? CHRISTINE: Well, Jeff. King Hrothgar is, or I should say was, the King of the Danes. JEFF: Large dogs? CHRISTINE: Not large dogs. People who live in Denmark are called Danes. JEFF: I knew that, Christine. CHRISTINE: Good for you, Jeff. As I was saying, King Hrothgar built a large mead-hall JEFF: Could you tell our viewers what a mead-hall is? CHRISTINE: Sure thing. A mead-hall is a club where the Danish warriors could gather to drink mead, play games and listen to each other s war stories. JEFF: So you re saying it s a sports bar. CHRISTINE: Sure, Jeff. Anything you say. Anyway, King Hrothgar gave his mead-hall a name. He called it Heorot. JEFF: You know, Christine. We have names for places like that in our century, too. CHRISTINE: (Not interested, becoming annoyed.) Really, Jeff? Like what? JEFF: Hooters (Or other chain restaurant)! CHRISTINE: (Really annoyed.) Would you let me finish my report? JEFF: Sure thing, Christine. 4 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS
1 2 3 40 CHRISTINE: The video clip you re about to see shows the warriors arriving. King Hrothgar is praising his staff for building the sports bar I mean the mead-hall. And they have a big party. (EXITS RIGHT. JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. HROTHGAR and the WARRIORS ENTER RIGHT. They carry mugs and cross to the line of desks. Some sit, some stand. [NOTE: If desired, simple set pieces can be brought on such as a fireplace depicting a deer roasting on a spit, stuffed animal heads for the walls, swords and a team photograph. Alternatively, these items can be imaginary.] HROTHGAR is CENTER. ALL talk robustly until HROTHGAR demands their attention.) HROTHGAR: (Raises his mug.) Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Dogs and cats! (ALL are quiet.) I want to thank you for your help in building this wonderful mead-hall! (ALL cheer.) We have all kinds of neat Teutonic stuff here. We ve got the big roaring fire place which keeps us warm, and over which we cook the carcasses of large animals! (ALL cheer.) We have stuffed animal heads and swords and of course our team picture after our victory at Vinland hanging on the walls! (ALL cheer.) And we have the greatest leader in the medieval world ME! (ALL cheer, but without quite as much enthusiasm.) I think our mead-hall needs a name. Therefore I m going to call it Heorot! (WARRIORS mumble, Heorot? What s Heorot? WARRIORS can have accents à la Monty Python.) WARRIOR 1: Beg your pardon, sir. What does it mean? HROTHGAR: It means hart! WARRIOR 2: (Pounds his chest.) Because we have blood pulsing around in our insides! HROTHGAR: No. (Spells.) H-a-r-t. A hart is another name for a deer. WARRIOR 1: As in somebody you like? For example my mommy is such a dear. HROTHGAR: No! Like the kind of deer we have cooking over the fire! WARRIOR 2: You got your mum cooking over the fire? HROTHGAR: Like a deer that runs around in the woods! WARRIOR 3: Beg your pardon, sir. But some of the fellows was thinking we could call it Applebee s (Or other chain restaurant). HROTHGAR: I believe Heorot will do nicely. After all, it s MY meadhall! WARRIOR 3: But we built it. HROTHGAR: But I m the king. And I have the power to offer you the hospitality of this wonderful mead-hall (To WARRIOR 3.) or remove your head and toss it on the fire with the deer carcass! WARRIOR 3: Heorot sounds good to me.
1 2 3 40 WARRIOR 4: Nothing says mead-hall like Heorot. We could put a sign out front. Offer daily specials. All you can eat elk ribs groundhog pie buzzard wings HROTHGAR: (Without sincerity.) Thank you. Now, faithful warriors! I have gifts for you! ALL: (Cheer.) Hurray! HROTHGAR: But you ll have to wait for your birthdays before you open them. ALL: Boo! HROTHGAR: We have food, we have mead! But before we feast, I have a special surprise. Outside of Heorot I like that name, don t you? WARRIORS: (Mumble.) Yeah. Love it. HROTHGAR: I have brought in special entertainment. WARRIORS: (In unison.) What is it? HROTHGAR: (Excited.) Pony rides! (ALL are silent.) WARRIOR 1: Pony rides? HROTHGAR: That s right. I hired a man who had all the little ponies. He does a lot of kids parties and school carnivals. I thought it would be just the thing to celebrate the opening of our mead-hall. Whaddaya think? WARRIOR 2: But sir. We spend all day riding around on horses and killing people. HROTHGAR: But these aren t horses. They re ponies. WARRIOR 3: What s the difference? HROTHGAR: Ponies are cute. Now, are you refusing the gift of a pony ride from your king, who has the power to turn you into beef stew? WARRIORS: NO! HROTHGAR: Then let s go outside and ride those ponies! (ALL cheer and EXIT RIGHT. JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (ENTERS LEFT.) As you can see, there s quite a bit of excitement around the mead-hall. All of King Hrothgar s Warriors are celebrating, drinking lots of mead and riding ponies around in a circle. JEFF: It s really something, Christine. I m almost sorry I missed it. (CHRISTINE EXITS RIGHT.) And now we go to the swamplands near Heorot with our foreign correspondent and expert on swamps, Bobby Burns. Are you there, Bobby? BOBBY: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT with handheld microphone and moves FORESTAGE CENTER.) Jeff, I m here in the swamplands near Heorot. This is a disgusting place with mud, snakes, stagnant 6
1 2 3 40 water and decaying vegetation. I understand you can get a good Cajun meal if you know where to look. Anyway, living nearby is a hideous monster named Grendel. He s centuries old, and he lives with his mother. Which says a lot about Grendel. MRS. GRENDEL: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT talking on a cell phone. She wears a housecoat and slippers and her hair is under a net. Brooklyn accent.) I m telling ya, Carmela, I got the laziest son in the world. They re always looking for ogres for those fairy tales and urban legends, but would he even consider the idea of getting a job and helping out? He won t even bring in the garbage! I ve not only got Grendel Junior to contend with, now those obnoxious Danes had to go and build a stupid mead-hall! They re so noisy I can t hear myself think! And will that son of mine do anything about it? Go out and pillage a couple of villages and mutilate a Dane or two? Heck no! He hangs out with those worthless friends of his down at the monster bar, then drags in here at all hours of the night, eating bats and drinking muck and expecting me to pay his bills! It s like pulling teeth getting him to terrorize people even though he s so good at it. Since the Danes just built the mead-hall, he hasn t done a thing about it. (Looks OFF FORESTAGE LEFT.) I think the worthless monster is finally waking up. (GRENDEL ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT wearing a bathrobe. He yawns and stretches. Mrs. GRENDEL hands him her cell phone.) Grendel! Say hello to your Aunt Carmela! (GRENDEL makes a monster noise, takes the phone and tries to eat it. She grabs it from him.) Don t eat it! Talk on it! GRENDEL: (On phone.) Hello? Hey there, Aunt Carmela Fine Good Maybe Not really Sometimes Because I don t think so Okay. Bye. (Hangs up and hands Mrs. Grendel her phone.) MRS. GRENDEL: Well? What did she say? GRENDEL: Nothing. MRS. GRENDEL: Would it hurt you to give me a straight answer sometime? GRENDEL: I gave you a straight answer. She didn t say nothing. MRS. GRENDEL: All that fine, good, maybe, not really was nothing? GRENDEL: Yep. Do we have any bats in the fridge? I m really hungry. MRS. GRENDEL: Later. I have a little job for you. GRENDEL: I already have a job. I m a monster. MRS. GRENDEL: Then why don t you go terrorize people like a good monster should? You haven t killed a single Dane since they built that mead-hall! Go out and impale a couple, decapitate one or two. Make em sorry they d ever been born. Think you can do that for Mommy? 7
1 2 3 40 GRENDEL: I think so. MRS. GRENDEL: And bring one back for supper. GRENDEL: For supper? MRS. GRENDEL: Yes. I m making a special sludge casserole and the recipe calls for a Dane. Don t get one that s too big. You might want to break one open to check his insides first. They can be tough. GRENDEL: Okay. MRS. GRENDEL: Hurry back. (GRENDEL EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. MRS. GRENDEL speed dials on her phone.) Hello? Carmela? I got Junior to get on the Danes again. He ll probably mess it up. He messes up everything he does. (As she starts to EXIT FORESTAGE LEFT.) I asked him, why don t you go to medical school like your cousin Ralph? Or be a mechanic like Stella s boy. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.) BOBBY: So that s the way things look in the swamplands, Jeff. Grendel is on his way to the mead-hall to do some damage. JEFF: It sounds like things could get tense. BOBBY: That s for sure, Jeff. By the way, what is mead? I see these warriors drinking it in these big mugs. JEFF: Mead is something warriors drink, Bobby. BOBBY: Thanks for clearing that up, Jeff. While Grendel makes his way to the mead-hall, I ll see if I can get an interview with Mrs. Grendel. JEFF: Be careful, Bobby. You could end up as a shish kabob. BOBBY: Thanks, Jeff. I ll keep that in mind. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.) JEFF: While Bobby Burns tracks down that interview with the monster s mother, let s go back to the mead-hall with Christine Marlowe and see if things have started to heat up. Christine? Are you there? CHRISTINE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I m here, Jeff. And so far it s been a lot of big scary warriors riding around on cute little ponies. But I think they re getting ready to come inside now. HROTHGAR: (ENTERS RIGHT with UNFERTH and the rest of the WARRIORS, and crosses to the table.) Am I a great king or what? WARRIORS: (Loud chant.) GREAT KING! GREAT KING! GREAT KING! HROTHGAR: That s what I like to hear. Did everyone get to ride on the ponies? WARRIOR 1: (Raises his hand.) I didn t. HROTHGAR: Why not? WARRIOR 1: Those little horses kind of well they made me nervous. HROTHGAR: Oh. Well, that s a shame. Did everyone else have a good time? 8 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS
1 2 3 40 WARRIORS: (Halfheartedly.) Yeah. Sure thing. It was great. HROTHGAR: I think this calls for another round of mead. (GRENDEL ENTERS RIGHT. He growls and snorts. The WARRIORS yell and scream in panic. ALL run around. Some hide under the desks. GRENDEL finally grabs WARRIOR and starts to drag him OFF RIGHT.) WARRIOR : Help me! Help me! I m being dragged off to the swamp lands and I don t have a thing to wear! (GRENDEL EXITS RIGHT with WARRIOR. The WARRIORS slowly cross CENTER.) HROTHGAR: I ve had it with that monster! WARRIOR 1: I thought with our new mead-hall, he wouldn t terrorize us anymore! WARRIOR 2: It s been going on for years. Why would it stop now? WARRIOR 3: Shouldn t someone stop it? HROTHGAR: You re warriors! Why don t you stop it? (WARRIORS shyly turn their backs.) WARRIOR 4: That Grendel s a tough monster. HROTHGAR: So, you re all afraid of Grendel. Is that it? WARRIORS: That s it! CHRISTINE: Things look pretty bleak, Jeff. None of the warriors are brave enough to face the evil monster. It kind of makes you wonder what kinds of cowardly, dishonorable, unethical, immature, lilylivered excuses for warriors these warriors are. WARRIOR 1: (To CHRISTINE.) Excuse me, Miss. That isn t very nice. CHRISTINE: (To WARRIOR 1.) Sorry. HROTHGAR: Isn t there someone in the medieval world who can take care of that foul-smelling, Dane-eating creature? BEOWULF: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to HROTHGAR.) I believe I can help you. CHRISTINE: We may have a break here, Jeff. (EXITS LEFT. JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) HROTHGAR: Who are you? BEOWULF: The name s Beowulf. I m a professional hero. I heard about this Grendel business from my previous employers. They thought I might be of service to you. I can provide references. (Shake hands with HROTHGAR.) HROTHGAR: A professional hero? (BEOWULF hands HROTHGAR a business card. HROTHGAR reads.) Beowulf. Professional Hero. Maiden rescue, dragon slaying, revenge and monster removal. Reasonable rates. Bonded. That sounds like just what we need! (WARRIORS cheer.) Let s have a big party. (To BEOWULF.) You see, I just built this great mead-hall, and I m looking for any chance I can 9
1 2 3 40 get to throw a big party. Grab your mead mugs! (WARRIORS take their mugs and offer a toast.) To Beowulf! The man who ll rid us of Grendel! WARRIORS: Beowulf! (They drink. UNFERTH crosses CENTER.) HROTHGAR: By the way, I know his parents. Good people. I was in the Kiwanis Club with his dad. The boy is supposed to have the strength of men. He s just what we ll need to take on that nasty old Grendel. UNFERTH: (To BEOWULF.) How do we know you re any good? (To HROTHGAR.) Have you ever seen him do anything? HROTHGAR: (To BEOWULF.) You ll have to excuse Unferth here. He s a professional taunter. BEOWULF: Professional taunter? HROTHGAR: You know. He follows the crowds around and whenever somebody says something, he taunts them. UNFERTH: I also taunt warriors in the heat of battle. I ll show you. (To imaginary soldier.) Hey! You fight like my grandmother, you silly man! Where did you learn battlefield procedures? At the school of ballet? I ve seen better soldiers in productions of The Nutcracker! Are you brandishing a sword or swinging a golf club? Are you pillaging that village or playing with Barbie dolls? HROTHGAR: Okay, Unferth. We get the point actually, we don t get the point. Why are you here? UNFERTH: To taunt Beowulf. It s part of the story. What makes him such hot stuff? What makes him think he can single-handedly defeat the monster Grendel? BEOWULF: (Nervous.) Single-handedly? I thought maybe I could count on a little help. UNFERTH: Hah! You are a coward! BEOWULF: Well, then I guess I ll fight the monster by myself. UNFERTH: What experience do you have? Have you ever fought monsters? BEOWULF: Let s see, I have the strength of men. I once fought a family of giants and destroyed five of them. I took on some water monsters out of the swamp and ground their bones to bits. And I worked as a clerk in a convenience store for two whole weeks! WARRIORS: (In awe.) Wow! HROTHGAR: That can get rough! UNFERTH: Hah! You beat up a couple of basketball players, you made sushi and you sold old ladies lottery tickets and slushies! How does that make you a warrior?
1 2 3 40 BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) This guy s getting on my nerves. HROTHGAR: Unferth, put a sock in it! UNFERTH: But my career depends on taunts. BEOWULF: Why don t you join me in my fight against the evil Grendel? UNFERTH: I taunt people. I m not stupid. BEOWULF: But you are irritating. HROTHGAR: How do you plan on fighting Grendel? BEOWULF: I have heard that the monster cares not for weapons. Therefore, I shall forsake sword and shield and take on the evil one in hand-to-hand combat. HROTHGAR: Wow! You re really brave! UNFERTH: Or really stupid. BEOWULF: Should the monster take me, should I die in the pursuit of peace and security, you need not bury my body. Burn it on a funeral pyre! I shall go down as a warrior does! UNFERTH: If Grendel defeats you, you ll go down his gullet like a cherry pie at a Fourth of July picnic. BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) I really don t like him. HROTHGAR: Unferth, be gone! You re depressing us! (UNFERTH slinks UPSTAGE.) And now, I shall throw a great feast to honor Beowulf! BEOWULF: Thanks, but my birthday s not for three more months. HROTHGAR: We shall celebrate the mighty warrior! We shall shower him with gifts, and we shall sing songs in his honor! Now, who would like to start with the gift showering? (No one moves.) Come on! We have to honor Beowulf in the great tradition of the Danes! Someone come forward with a gift, or I ll have his head! (WARRIOR 1 steps forward and hands BEOWULF a coupon card.) WARRIOR 1: Here. It s good for one free rental at Blockbuster. (Other WARRIORS come forward one at a time.) BEOWULF: Thanks. WARRIOR 2: (Hands BEOWULF a small container.) Silly Putty. You can roll it up and it bounces like a ball. BEOWULF: Cool. WARRIOR 2: (Holds up a whoopee cushion.) I also got this for you. It s a whoopee cushion. BEOWULF: What does it do? WARRIOR 2: I ll show you. (Inflates whoopee cushion and demonstrates.) It goes over big at the mead-hall. (Hands whoopee cushion to BEOWULF.) I used it once on the priest. It was really funny to 11
1 2 3 40 everybody but him. I had to say a lot of contritions, but it was worth it. BEOWULF: I ll remember that. WARRIOR 3: (Hands BEOWULF a bag from a fast food chain.) Uh like here s my lunch. I want you to have it. BEOWULF: (Takes a wrapped burger from the bag. He unwraps the burger and holds it up. A bite has been taken from the burger.) Uh a burger that someone bit. WARRIOR 3: Yeah. It s real good. I wish I could have the rest of it. BEOWULF: (Hands the burger back to WARRIOR 3.) I couldn t take this from you know what it means and all. WARRIOR 3: Wow! Thanks! (Eagerly eats the burger.) WARRIOR 4: (Hands BEOWULF a box. BEOWULF removes a Barbie doll.) It s Lady Macbeth Barbie. She makes her husband commit an act of cold-blooded homicide, and she loses her mind and walks in her sleep. Look! Her hands are covered with blood spots. BEOWULF: Well I don t know what to say. I d give it to my little daughter if I had a little daughter and she was psychotic. HROTHGAR: And from the king, the best gift of all! Go look outside. (BEOWULF crosses LEFT and looks OFFSTAGE.) Uh the other outside. (Points RIGHT.) BEOWULF: (Crosses RIGHT and looks OFFSTAGE.) I see a horse. A really tiny horse. HROTHGAR: A pony! BEOWULF: (Not impressed.) That s great. Do I eat it or something? HROTHGAR: No! You ride it! BEOWULF: But my feet would drag on the ground. And I d probably break its little back. HROTHGAR: You think it s cute, don t you? (ALL of the WARRIORS look knowingly at BEOWULF.) BEOWULF: Oh yeah. It s cute, all right. HROTHGAR: Now we need a good old-fashioned Danish song of encouragement. WARRIOR 3: I know just the song! (Sings.) A hundred bottles of mead on the wall, A hundred bottles of mead Take one down, pass it around, Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall HROTHGAR: (Interrupts.) Let s not sing that one. WARRIOR 3: Why not? 12 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS End of Script Sample
PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ONSTAGE: Teacher s desk, student desks or tables, optional set pieces fireplace, deer on spit, wall decorations (swords, stuffed animal heads, team picture). BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Backpacks (one contains a sandwich), notebooks, etc. (STUDENTS) BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Ancient looking mugs (WARRIORS) Royal looking mug (HROTHGAR) Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL) Business card (BEOWULF) Coupon card (WARRIOR 1) Silly Putty, whoopee cushion (WARRIOR 2) Bag and wrapped burger from a fast food restaurant (WARRIOR 3) Lady Macbeth Barbie in a box (WARRIOR 4) Fake hand (GRENDEL) BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL) Various articles of clothing, shoe, wig (THROWN ONSTAGE) Cardboard boxes (BEOWULF) BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Gift-wrapped packages (HROTHGAR) Business card (WIGLAF) Lighter [or flashlight] (DRAGON HEAD) Fighting sounds, growl SOUND EFFECTS costuming MRS. GULCH wears dated clothes, cat eye glasses and a cardigan sweater. STUDENTS should wear contemporary kids clothes in Scene One. Then they are students playing characters, so costumes can be as authentic or fake as you want, or they could just stay in their regular street clothes. GINA, (as MRS. GULCH) should wear as close to the exact same thing as MRS. GULCH. 27
JEFF, CHRISTINE and BOBBY should look like a news team. JEFF S clothes should look muddy after he gets lost in the swamp. WARRIORS, including UNFERTH, should wear Teutonic helmets with horns, football helmets, motorcycle helmets, beanies, or anything else they can find in their attics. HROTHGAR should be the gaudiest of all. BEOWULF should look a little different than the WARRIORS. MRS. GRENDEL wears a housecoat, slippers and a hair net. GRENDEL wears a bathrobe in his first scene and possibly the whole play, but should look like some sort of a monster. HYGELAC and QUEEN should dress as royalty. WIGLAF and THIEF can dress however the director sees fit. The DRAGON consists of a line of students with hands on the shoulders of the person in front. They move and speak together. 28 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS
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