PRISCILLA THE PRECIOUS

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1 PRISCILLA THE PRECIOUS By Debbie Lannen Copyright MMXVI by Debbie Lannen, All rights reserved. CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-english languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Heuer Publishing LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this Work must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this Work. The author s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the Work. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this Work is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC. COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Heuer Publishing LLC. HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA TOLL FREE (800) FAX (319)

2 2 PRISCILLA THE PRECIOUS PRISCILLA THE PRECIOUS By Debbie Lannen SYNOPSIS: Considering a cruise vacation? Exotic ports, fine dining, nightly entertainment... pirates? Perhaps ye might think again landlubber! CAST OF CHARACTERS (1 female, 1 male) JASON (m)... Gay cruise line supervisor. PRISCILLA (f)... Cruise line employee applicant with a wild imagination. SETTING: Recruiting office for Caliente Cruise Line. Two chairs. Clipboard Paperwork Sword Fake parrot PROPS COSTUMES PRISCILLA: Wears full pirate attire complete with bandana, pirate hat, boots, sword, and stuffed parrot. JASON: Wears casual business attire.

3 DEBBIE LANNEN 3 AT START: Seated is Jason, the Recruitment Manager. JASON: Next please. PRISCILLA swaggers into the room and poses before the desk. She waits for a reaction. JASON: Well, look at you! Welcome to Caliente Cruise Line. And your name is? PRISCILLA: (In full pirate dialect.) Me name be Priscilla. Priscilla the Precious. I be here to join the crew. JASON: Well, Ms. Precious that s very nice. It s nice to meet you Priscilla. Those are lovely boots. Did you get them somewhere in town or are they imported. They look like fabulous leather. PRISCILLA: Don t ye be tryin' to soft soap me you scallywag. I know ye type. JASON: Gay? PRISCILLA: Oh, I don t know if you be happy or not, but I know that look when I see it. You be tryin to bedazzle me. JASON: Bedazzle you? I m sorry. I m not quite sure what that even is although I do remember a friend using one to add sequins to a shirt I once had. Anyway, why don t you have a seat and we can get started with the interview. Do you have your questionnaire finished? JASON puts his hand out to take her paperwork. PRISCILLA: Back off Buster. (She draws her sword.) Don t ye be grabbin at me things. I be in charge here, not you. JASON: What? PRISCILLA: What s the matter? Ye be hard of hearin. I said, back off Buster. I be in charge now. PRISCILLA swings the sword aimlessly around nearly knocking her own hat off in the process. JASON: Ok, is this some kind of joke? Did Steve put you up to this? Very funny. Come on in Steve. I know you re out there.

4 4 PRISCILLA THE PRECIOUS JASON starts to get up from the chair, but PRISCILLA points her sword in his face and forces him back down into the chair. PRISCILLA: Ye stay right where ya be. I don t know who this Steve feller is, but he has nothin to do with me. I be here to be joinin the crew and don t ye be stoppin me. JASON: Fine. Fine. Now what position exactly would you like to apply for? PRISCILLA: Why look at me. I be a pirate. What else would I be wantin to be? You think I be wantin to be a galley slave. I ll have you know I can have ye strung up the mast faster than ye can say Captain Hook. JASON: Captain Hook, really? You can t be serious. The openings we have on board are dining room servers, bar staff, casino dealer or security. Sorry, no pirate openings today. PRISCILLA: Don t ye be makin fun of me! I ll have ye know I was personal friends with Captain Jones and Captain Blye. God rest their souls (Takes off hat and pauses for a moment of silence.) And they taught me well. (She jumps on chair brandishing the sword.) So get that strong box out and give me the medal that be the first mates symbol. I be waitin' a long time and I won t be waitin much longer. Me patience is running thin. JASON: Patience? Your patience? Strong box? Captain Blye? What planet are you from? This is Caliente Cruise Line. We cruise to nowhere every day. We leave at 10am, cruise into international waters, float around a bit while tourists gamble, eat a buffet lunch and then we head back to port. That s it! No pirates, no swords, no booty. All in all, pretty boring. PRISCILLA lowers her sword but remain standing on chair. She loses the pirate talk. PRISCILLA: Seriously? That s it? JASON: Yeah, that s it. Sorry. PRISCILLA gets down from chair and sits looking very sad.

5 DEBBIE LANNEN 5 PRISCILLA: No buried treasure? JASON: Nope. They both sit silently. PRISCILLA takes parrot off her shoulder. PRISCILLA: I m sorry. (She takes a deep breath and sighs.) I just really wanted to have an adventure. I thought if I came here, dressed up, acted a little crazy something wonderful and exciting might happen. You never know. It could happen. I m really sorry. I won t take up any more of your time. (Starts for the door and stops.) Oh, by the way, the boots, I bought them at the boot warehouse online. $49.95 plus shipping. Google it. I m sure the sale is still going on. (Starts to leave.) JASON: (In pirate voice.) Stop right where ya be, matey. Where ya think you be goin? PRISCILLA: What? JASON comes out from behind desk. JASON: Tryin' to sneak away are ye? Were you sent to spy on me? Who sent ya? PRISCILLA: What are you talking about? JASON: (In his own voice again.) Why not? Why not be pirates. This cruise line needs some excitement and you might be just what we need. What a great idea. Why didn t I think of it. PRISCILLA: Are you serious? You mean, I can really be a pirate? With my sword, and parrot? JASON: And $49.95 boots. (Back in pirate voice.) Let s be joinin forces matey and together we will rule the Seven Seas (Back in own voice.) or at least the route to Nassau seven days a week. (Pirate voice.) Is it a deal? PRISCILLA: (With sword, parrot and perfect pirate voice.) It be a deal or my name isn t Priscilla the Precious! They shake hands. THE END