By Burton Bumgarner. Copyright 2007, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Transcription

1 By Burton Bumgarner Copyright 07, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 801. All rights to this play including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado

2 BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY By BURTON BUMGARNER CAST OF CHARACTERS # of lines MRS. GULCH...demanding literature teacher 14 JEFF CHAUCER...student who plays a newscaster 60 CHRISTINE MARLOW...student who plays a reporter 62 BOBBY BURNS...another GINA...student who plays Dr. Elvira 26 Gulch, a historian commentator BEOWULF CHARACTERS PLAYED BY STUDENTS HROTHGAR...Danish king 63 BEOWULF...hero warrior 61 GRENDEL...horrible monster who lives in a 24 swamp MRS. GRENDEL...Grendel s mother, also a horrible 34 monster UNFERTH...professional taunter 18 HYGELAC...King of Geatland 2 QUEEN...Hygelac s wife 2 THIEF...steals treasure and unleashes 2 dragon WARRIOR 1...member of Hrothgar s army 12 WARRIOR 2...another 13 WARRIOR 3...another 1 WARRIOR 4...another 8 WARRIOR...ditto 3 WIGLAF...Beowulf s sidekick 16 COURTIER 1...in the court of King Hygelac 3 COURTIER 2...ditto 3 COURTIER 3...ditto 3 EXTRA STUDENTS...as DRAGON (at least 3) and 6 WARRIORS *See Flexible Casting Note on next page for details about doubling and gender flexibility. ii

3 FLEXIBLE CASTING Several smaller roles can be doubled up depending on the size of the cast. For instance, GRENDEL and MRS. GRENDEL may play QUEEN, HYGELAC or THIEF in Scene Four. QUEEN, HYGELAC and WARRIOR could also play the COURTIERS. BOBBY (BOBBI), UNFERTH, THIEF, WIGLAF, WARRIORS, COURTIERS and DRAGON are all gender flexible. SETTING This play requires only a bare stage with a teacher s desk and students desks or rectangular tables to represent a high school classroom. Desks/tables will be pushed together to make one or two banquet tables (depending on your space) to represent the mead-hall. The home of Grendel and his mother is depicted FORESTAGE LEFT with no set pieces required. FORESTAGE RIGHT represents the TV studio, where JEFF CHAUCER does the newscast. Due to the class project nature of the play anything goes. Scenes should flow from one location to another seamlessly. Therefore, lighting cues are optional, and scene breaks are for rehearsal purposes only. If you wish, set pieces can be brought on to depict the mead-hall a fireplace with a deer roasting on a spit, and stuffed animal heads, swords and a team picture on the walls. iii

4 Beowulf: User-Friendly - Suggested Set Design iv PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

5 1 2 3 BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY Scene One LIGHTS UP: ALL STUDENTS ENTER RIGHT, carrying backpacks or notebooks, and sit at their desks. Some start reviewing their notes. Several put their heads down and go to sleep. MRS. GULCH ENTERS RIGHT. ALL sigh in depressed recognition. GULCH: Students! Wake up! (ALL sit up straight.) I know I don t have the reputation as the easiest instructor in this school STUDENTS: No, ma am! GULCH: Or the most popular STUDENTS: No, ma am! GULCH: Some of you may interpret my strictness and my obsession with details as a lack of care and concern for your personal happiness, security and future achievements (STUDENTS lean forward. Yells.) and you re right! (STUDENTS jump back.) My job is to teach early English Literature! If you learn about it, you pass. If you don t well, then you ll be with me next year. (JEFF raises his hand.) What is it, Mr. Chaucer? JEFF: Aren t you supposed to retire one of these days? You are getting pretty old. GULCH: (To JEFF.) Aren t you supposed to graduate one of these days, Mr. Chaucer? You re getting pretty old yourself! (Addresses class.) Now, last week not one of you passed the exam on Old English Literature. The principal doesn t look kindly on teachers whose entire classes fail. Therefore, I offered you a chance at redemption. I ve taught the story of Beowulf for a long time. CHRISTINE: Maybe you should teach something else, Mrs. Gulch. GULCH: Maybe you should learn something period, Miss Marlowe! Now, does anyone else have anything rude they d like to say before we continue? (ALL raise their hands.) Forget it! I m tired of your behavior, and I m tired of you showing no respect for the literature of antiquity. Last week, I issued a challenge. YOU are to teach ME the story of Beowulf. If you cover the characters, the events and the historical themes, there may be the slightest possibility that you could pass my course. Have any of you thought about this offer since last week? STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! GULCH: And did you decide to dismiss it? STUDENTS: No, ma am! BOBBY: We d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than spend another year in your class. 1

6 1 2 3 GULCH: I d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than have you as students another year. So, are you ready? STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! GULCH: You are the teachers. I am the student. STUDENTS: Yes, ma am! JEFF: Can we send you to after school detention? GULCH: No! Jeff Chaucer. (JEFF stands.) Since you give me the most trouble, you re in charge. JEFF: Yes, ma am! (Salutes, military style.) GULCH: We re now going to play a little game called You re so smart, you teach it! Your version of Beowulf had better be accurate, tasteful and well researched. STUDENTS: (Stand at attention.) Yes, ma am! (Salute military style.) GULCH: I m going to sit down here. (Takes an empty seat in the first row of the AUDIENCE.) You have 0 minutes! JEFF: Ready! STUDENTS: Ready! JEFF: Aim! STUDENTS: Aim! JEFF: Let s tell this story! (ALL loudly cheer and throw their backpacks to the side. They arrange desks into one or two banquet tables. ALL EXIT RIGHT except BOBBY, BEOWULF, GRENDEL, MRS. GRENDEL, HIGELAC and QUEEN, who EXIT LEFT. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One Scene Two LIGHTS UP: JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT with a handheld microphone. He is now a newscaster in studio. JEFF: (Addresses GULCH and the AUDIENCE.) Good evening. This is Jeff Chaucer with a special report Beowulf: User-Friendly! I know all of our viewing public is anxious to find out what happened well, some of our viewing public is anxious well, not really anxious. Mildly curious, maybe? Anyway, we re going to do this special report whether anyone wants to hear about it or not. First, let s go to our investigative reporter Christine Marlowe for a perspective on some recent events. (CHRISTINE ENTERS RIGHT with a handheld microphone and crosses DOWNSTAGE. She is on location. ) Christine, are you there? CHRISTINE: I m here, Jeff. And I can tell you these recent events you ve referred to are not recent at all. 2

7 1 2 3 JEFF: Perhaps you could give us some insight, Christine. CHRISTINE: We located an expert on this story at a local museum. May I present Dr. Elvira Gulch, a true historical artifact. (GINA ENTERS RIGHT dressed as Mrs. Gulch.) Dr. Gulch, is it true you re an expert on Old English Literature? GINA: (Pretends to be hard of hearing.) Eh? Where s what? CHRISTINE: (Loud voice.) Old English Literature! What makes you an expert? GINA: Speak up, young lady! I can t hear you! CHRISTINE: (Louder voice.) Dr. Gulch! I don t mean to be a cynic GINA: (Loud.) Yes. I know where it is! (Points OFF RIGHT.) You go down the hallway and turn right! CHRISTINE: No! I m not talking about the clinic! GULCH: (Stands up in the AUDIENCE.) You re wasting time! CHRISTINE/GINA/JEFF: (Heads bowed.) Sorry. CHRISTINE: But it WAS funny. Anyway, give us the scoop, Dr. Gulch. GINA: Sure thing, Christine. First of all, we re dealing with a manuscript that dates back to the year 00. JEFF: Whoa! That s older than that car you drive, Christine. CHRISTINE: Yes, Jeff. It is. In fact, it s almost as old as that hairpiece you re wearing. JEFF: (Reaches up and touches his hair. Uncomfortable.) Yes, well. So, we re dealing with a thousand-year-old poem. GINA: Not only that, the actual story takes place some 0 years earlier. CHRISTINE: So, how does that work? GINA: Well, Christine. The poem was believed to have been composed around the year 700 AD. It was, of course, a story that passed down through oral tradition until someone wrote it down. JEFF: If it s such hot stuff, why didn t they publish it? CHRISTINE: You might not believe this, Jeff, but the printing press wasn t invented until the early 16 th century. JEFF: Wow. That s almost interesting, Christine. CHRISTINE: There s more, Jeff. JEFF: I was afraid of that. CHRISTINE: Please continue, Dr. Gulch. GINA: Beowulf is a long narrative poem written in the Anglo-Saxon language known as Old English. It has a lot of Germanic influences, and it s just plain impossible to read unless you have a translation, 3

8 1 2 3 or you re an expert on the languages of antiquity like me. I m so old I remember when Old English was New English. CHRISTINE: What she s saying, Jeff, is if you can read English, and I m not saying you can, you d have a heck of a time reading Beowulf in its original form. JEFF: Well, that s nice to know. Tell us, Dr. Gulch. What s with that name? Is Beowulf like Wolfman, or some kind of vampire or something? GINA: No, Jeff. JEFF: (Long, uncomfortable pause.) Oh. Well, that s good to know. CHRISTINE: Well, Dr. Gulch has to go back to the museum. (To GINA.) That Stone Age exhibit just isn t the same without you. Right? GINA: Actually, I don t have anywhere to go. CHRISTINE: Yes, you do. (Shoves GINA OFF RIGHT.) JEFF: I believe we have some video to show our viewers. This video was taken in King Hrothgar s mead-hall. Tell us, Christine, who is King Hrothgar and what is a mead-hall? CHRISTINE: Well, Jeff. King Hrothgar is, or I should say was, the King of the Danes. JEFF: Large dogs? CHRISTINE: Not large dogs. People who live in Denmark are called Danes. JEFF: I knew that, Christine. CHRISTINE: Good for you, Jeff. As I was saying, King Hrothgar built a large mead-hall JEFF: Could you tell our viewers what a mead-hall is? CHRISTINE: Sure thing. A mead-hall is a club where the Danish warriors could gather to drink mead, play games and listen to each other s war stories. JEFF: So you re saying it s a sports bar. CHRISTINE: Sure, Jeff. Anything you say. Anyway, King Hrothgar gave his mead-hall a name. He called it Heorot. JEFF: You know, Christine. We have names for places like that in our century, too. CHRISTINE: (Not interested, becoming annoyed.) Really, Jeff? Like what? JEFF: Hooters (Or other chain restaurant)! CHRISTINE: (Really annoyed.) Would you let me finish my report? JEFF: Sure thing, Christine. 4 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

9 CHRISTINE: The video clip you re about to see shows the warriors arriving. King Hrothgar is praising his staff for building the sports bar I mean the mead-hall. And they have a big party. (EXITS RIGHT. JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. HROTHGAR and the WARRIORS ENTER RIGHT. They carry mugs and cross to the line of desks. Some sit, some stand. [NOTE: If desired, simple set pieces can be brought on such as a fireplace depicting a deer roasting on a spit, stuffed animal heads for the walls, swords and a team photograph. Alternatively, these items can be imaginary.] HROTHGAR is CENTER. ALL talk robustly until HROTHGAR demands their attention.) HROTHGAR: (Raises his mug.) Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Dogs and cats! (ALL are quiet.) I want to thank you for your help in building this wonderful mead-hall! (ALL cheer.) We have all kinds of neat Teutonic stuff here. We ve got the big roaring fire place which keeps us warm, and over which we cook the carcasses of large animals! (ALL cheer.) We have stuffed animal heads and swords and of course our team picture after our victory at Vinland hanging on the walls! (ALL cheer.) And we have the greatest leader in the medieval world ME! (ALL cheer, but without quite as much enthusiasm.) I think our mead-hall needs a name. Therefore I m going to call it Heorot! (WARRIORS mumble, Heorot? What s Heorot? WARRIORS can have accents à la Monty Python.) WARRIOR 1: Beg your pardon, sir. What does it mean? HROTHGAR: It means hart! WARRIOR 2: (Pounds his chest.) Because we have blood pulsing around in our insides! HROTHGAR: No. (Spells.) H-a-r-t. A hart is another name for a deer. WARRIOR 1: As in somebody you like? For example my mommy is such a dear. HROTHGAR: No! Like the kind of deer we have cooking over the fire! WARRIOR 2: You got your mum cooking over the fire? HROTHGAR: Like a deer that runs around in the woods! WARRIOR 3: Beg your pardon, sir. But some of the fellows was thinking we could call it Applebee s (Or other chain restaurant). HROTHGAR: I believe Heorot will do nicely. After all, it s MY meadhall! WARRIOR 3: But we built it. HROTHGAR: But I m the king. And I have the power to offer you the hospitality of this wonderful mead-hall (To WARRIOR 3.) or remove your head and toss it on the fire with the deer carcass! WARRIOR 3: Heorot sounds good to me.

10 WARRIOR 4: Nothing says mead-hall like Heorot. We could put a sign out front. Offer daily specials. All you can eat elk ribs groundhog pie buzzard wings HROTHGAR: (Without sincerity.) Thank you. Now, faithful warriors! I have gifts for you! ALL: (Cheer.) Hurray! HROTHGAR: But you ll have to wait for your birthdays before you open them. ALL: Boo! HROTHGAR: We have food, we have mead! But before we feast, I have a special surprise. Outside of Heorot I like that name, don t you? WARRIORS: (Mumble.) Yeah. Love it. HROTHGAR: I have brought in special entertainment. WARRIORS: (In unison.) What is it? HROTHGAR: (Excited.) Pony rides! (ALL are silent.) WARRIOR 1: Pony rides? HROTHGAR: That s right. I hired a man who had all the little ponies. He does a lot of kids parties and school carnivals. I thought it would be just the thing to celebrate the opening of our mead-hall. Whaddaya think? WARRIOR 2: But sir. We spend all day riding around on horses and killing people. HROTHGAR: But these aren t horses. They re ponies. WARRIOR 3: What s the difference? HROTHGAR: Ponies are cute. Now, are you refusing the gift of a pony ride from your king, who has the power to turn you into beef stew? WARRIORS: NO! HROTHGAR: Then let s go outside and ride those ponies! (ALL cheer and EXIT RIGHT. JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (ENTERS LEFT.) As you can see, there s quite a bit of excitement around the mead-hall. All of King Hrothgar s Warriors are celebrating, drinking lots of mead and riding ponies around in a circle. JEFF: It s really something, Christine. I m almost sorry I missed it. (CHRISTINE EXITS RIGHT.) And now we go to the swamplands near Heorot with our foreign correspondent and expert on swamps, Bobby Burns. Are you there, Bobby? BOBBY: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT with handheld microphone and moves FORESTAGE CENTER.) Jeff, I m here in the swamplands near Heorot. This is a disgusting place with mud, snakes, stagnant 6

11 water and decaying vegetation. I understand you can get a good Cajun meal if you know where to look. Anyway, living nearby is a hideous monster named Grendel. He s centuries old, and he lives with his mother. Which says a lot about Grendel. MRS. GRENDEL: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT talking on a cell phone. She wears a housecoat and slippers and her hair is under a net. Brooklyn accent.) I m telling ya, Carmela, I got the laziest son in the world. They re always looking for ogres for those fairy tales and urban legends, but would he even consider the idea of getting a job and helping out? He won t even bring in the garbage! I ve not only got Grendel Junior to contend with, now those obnoxious Danes had to go and build a stupid mead-hall! They re so noisy I can t hear myself think! And will that son of mine do anything about it? Go out and pillage a couple of villages and mutilate a Dane or two? Heck no! He hangs out with those worthless friends of his down at the monster bar, then drags in here at all hours of the night, eating bats and drinking muck and expecting me to pay his bills! It s like pulling teeth getting him to terrorize people even though he s so good at it. Since the Danes just built the mead-hall, he hasn t done a thing about it. (Looks OFF FORESTAGE LEFT.) I think the worthless monster is finally waking up. (GRENDEL ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT wearing a bathrobe. He yawns and stretches. Mrs. GRENDEL hands him her cell phone.) Grendel! Say hello to your Aunt Carmela! (GRENDEL makes a monster noise, takes the phone and tries to eat it. She grabs it from him.) Don t eat it! Talk on it! GRENDEL: (On phone.) Hello? Hey there, Aunt Carmela Fine Good Maybe Not really Sometimes Because I don t think so Okay. Bye. (Hangs up and hands Mrs. Grendel her phone.) MRS. GRENDEL: Well? What did she say? GRENDEL: Nothing. MRS. GRENDEL: Would it hurt you to give me a straight answer sometime? GRENDEL: I gave you a straight answer. She didn t say nothing. MRS. GRENDEL: All that fine, good, maybe, not really was nothing? GRENDEL: Yep. Do we have any bats in the fridge? I m really hungry. MRS. GRENDEL: Later. I have a little job for you. GRENDEL: I already have a job. I m a monster. MRS. GRENDEL: Then why don t you go terrorize people like a good monster should? You haven t killed a single Dane since they built that mead-hall! Go out and impale a couple, decapitate one or two. Make em sorry they d ever been born. Think you can do that for Mommy? 7

12 GRENDEL: I think so. MRS. GRENDEL: And bring one back for supper. GRENDEL: For supper? MRS. GRENDEL: Yes. I m making a special sludge casserole and the recipe calls for a Dane. Don t get one that s too big. You might want to break one open to check his insides first. They can be tough. GRENDEL: Okay. MRS. GRENDEL: Hurry back. (GRENDEL EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. MRS. GRENDEL speed dials on her phone.) Hello? Carmela? I got Junior to get on the Danes again. He ll probably mess it up. He messes up everything he does. (As she starts to EXIT FORESTAGE LEFT.) I asked him, why don t you go to medical school like your cousin Ralph? Or be a mechanic like Stella s boy. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.) BOBBY: So that s the way things look in the swamplands, Jeff. Grendel is on his way to the mead-hall to do some damage. JEFF: It sounds like things could get tense. BOBBY: That s for sure, Jeff. By the way, what is mead? I see these warriors drinking it in these big mugs. JEFF: Mead is something warriors drink, Bobby. BOBBY: Thanks for clearing that up, Jeff. While Grendel makes his way to the mead-hall, I ll see if I can get an interview with Mrs. Grendel. JEFF: Be careful, Bobby. You could end up as a shish kabob. BOBBY: Thanks, Jeff. I ll keep that in mind. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.) JEFF: While Bobby Burns tracks down that interview with the monster s mother, let s go back to the mead-hall with Christine Marlowe and see if things have started to heat up. Christine? Are you there? CHRISTINE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I m here, Jeff. And so far it s been a lot of big scary warriors riding around on cute little ponies. But I think they re getting ready to come inside now. HROTHGAR: (ENTERS RIGHT with UNFERTH and the rest of the WARRIORS, and crosses to the table.) Am I a great king or what? WARRIORS: (Loud chant.) GREAT KING! GREAT KING! GREAT KING! HROTHGAR: That s what I like to hear. Did everyone get to ride on the ponies? WARRIOR 1: (Raises his hand.) I didn t. HROTHGAR: Why not? WARRIOR 1: Those little horses kind of well they made me nervous. HROTHGAR: Oh. Well, that s a shame. Did everyone else have a good time? 8 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

13 WARRIORS: (Halfheartedly.) Yeah. Sure thing. It was great. HROTHGAR: I think this calls for another round of mead. (GRENDEL ENTERS RIGHT. He growls and snorts. The WARRIORS yell and scream in panic. ALL run around. Some hide under the desks. GRENDEL finally grabs WARRIOR and starts to drag him OFF RIGHT.) WARRIOR : Help me! Help me! I m being dragged off to the swamp lands and I don t have a thing to wear! (GRENDEL EXITS RIGHT with WARRIOR. The WARRIORS slowly cross CENTER.) HROTHGAR: I ve had it with that monster! WARRIOR 1: I thought with our new mead-hall, he wouldn t terrorize us anymore! WARRIOR 2: It s been going on for years. Why would it stop now? WARRIOR 3: Shouldn t someone stop it? HROTHGAR: You re warriors! Why don t you stop it? (WARRIORS shyly turn their backs.) WARRIOR 4: That Grendel s a tough monster. HROTHGAR: So, you re all afraid of Grendel. Is that it? WARRIORS: That s it! CHRISTINE: Things look pretty bleak, Jeff. None of the warriors are brave enough to face the evil monster. It kind of makes you wonder what kinds of cowardly, dishonorable, unethical, immature, lilylivered excuses for warriors these warriors are. WARRIOR 1: (To CHRISTINE.) Excuse me, Miss. That isn t very nice. CHRISTINE: (To WARRIOR 1.) Sorry. HROTHGAR: Isn t there someone in the medieval world who can take care of that foul-smelling, Dane-eating creature? BEOWULF: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to HROTHGAR.) I believe I can help you. CHRISTINE: We may have a break here, Jeff. (EXITS LEFT. JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) HROTHGAR: Who are you? BEOWULF: The name s Beowulf. I m a professional hero. I heard about this Grendel business from my previous employers. They thought I might be of service to you. I can provide references. (Shake hands with HROTHGAR.) HROTHGAR: A professional hero? (BEOWULF hands HROTHGAR a business card. HROTHGAR reads.) Beowulf. Professional Hero. Maiden rescue, dragon slaying, revenge and monster removal. Reasonable rates. Bonded. That sounds like just what we need! (WARRIORS cheer.) Let s have a big party. (To BEOWULF.) You see, I just built this great mead-hall, and I m looking for any chance I can 9

14 get to throw a big party. Grab your mead mugs! (WARRIORS take their mugs and offer a toast.) To Beowulf! The man who ll rid us of Grendel! WARRIORS: Beowulf! (They drink. UNFERTH crosses CENTER.) HROTHGAR: By the way, I know his parents. Good people. I was in the Kiwanis Club with his dad. The boy is supposed to have the strength of men. He s just what we ll need to take on that nasty old Grendel. UNFERTH: (To BEOWULF.) How do we know you re any good? (To HROTHGAR.) Have you ever seen him do anything? HROTHGAR: (To BEOWULF.) You ll have to excuse Unferth here. He s a professional taunter. BEOWULF: Professional taunter? HROTHGAR: You know. He follows the crowds around and whenever somebody says something, he taunts them. UNFERTH: I also taunt warriors in the heat of battle. I ll show you. (To imaginary soldier.) Hey! You fight like my grandmother, you silly man! Where did you learn battlefield procedures? At the school of ballet? I ve seen better soldiers in productions of The Nutcracker! Are you brandishing a sword or swinging a golf club? Are you pillaging that village or playing with Barbie dolls? HROTHGAR: Okay, Unferth. We get the point actually, we don t get the point. Why are you here? UNFERTH: To taunt Beowulf. It s part of the story. What makes him such hot stuff? What makes him think he can single-handedly defeat the monster Grendel? BEOWULF: (Nervous.) Single-handedly? I thought maybe I could count on a little help. UNFERTH: Hah! You are a coward! BEOWULF: Well, then I guess I ll fight the monster by myself. UNFERTH: What experience do you have? Have you ever fought monsters? BEOWULF: Let s see, I have the strength of men. I once fought a family of giants and destroyed five of them. I took on some water monsters out of the swamp and ground their bones to bits. And I worked as a clerk in a convenience store for two whole weeks! WARRIORS: (In awe.) Wow! HROTHGAR: That can get rough! UNFERTH: Hah! You beat up a couple of basketball players, you made sushi and you sold old ladies lottery tickets and slushies! How does that make you a warrior?

15 BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) This guy s getting on my nerves. HROTHGAR: Unferth, put a sock in it! UNFERTH: But my career depends on taunts. BEOWULF: Why don t you join me in my fight against the evil Grendel? UNFERTH: I taunt people. I m not stupid. BEOWULF: But you are irritating. HROTHGAR: How do you plan on fighting Grendel? BEOWULF: I have heard that the monster cares not for weapons. Therefore, I shall forsake sword and shield and take on the evil one in hand-to-hand combat. HROTHGAR: Wow! You re really brave! UNFERTH: Or really stupid. BEOWULF: Should the monster take me, should I die in the pursuit of peace and security, you need not bury my body. Burn it on a funeral pyre! I shall go down as a warrior does! UNFERTH: If Grendel defeats you, you ll go down his gullet like a cherry pie at a Fourth of July picnic. BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) I really don t like him. HROTHGAR: Unferth, be gone! You re depressing us! (UNFERTH slinks UPSTAGE.) And now, I shall throw a great feast to honor Beowulf! BEOWULF: Thanks, but my birthday s not for three more months. HROTHGAR: We shall celebrate the mighty warrior! We shall shower him with gifts, and we shall sing songs in his honor! Now, who would like to start with the gift showering? (No one moves.) Come on! We have to honor Beowulf in the great tradition of the Danes! Someone come forward with a gift, or I ll have his head! (WARRIOR 1 steps forward and hands BEOWULF a coupon card.) WARRIOR 1: Here. It s good for one free rental at Blockbuster. (Other WARRIORS come forward one at a time.) BEOWULF: Thanks. WARRIOR 2: (Hands BEOWULF a small container.) Silly Putty. You can roll it up and it bounces like a ball. BEOWULF: Cool. WARRIOR 2: (Holds up a whoopee cushion.) I also got this for you. It s a whoopee cushion. BEOWULF: What does it do? WARRIOR 2: I ll show you. (Inflates whoopee cushion and demonstrates.) It goes over big at the mead-hall. (Hands whoopee cushion to BEOWULF.) I used it once on the priest. It was really funny to 11

16 everybody but him. I had to say a lot of contritions, but it was worth it. BEOWULF: I ll remember that. WARRIOR 3: (Hands BEOWULF a bag from a fast food chain.) Uh like here s my lunch. I want you to have it. BEOWULF: (Takes a wrapped burger from the bag. He unwraps the burger and holds it up. A bite has been taken from the burger.) Uh a burger that someone bit. WARRIOR 3: Yeah. It s real good. I wish I could have the rest of it. BEOWULF: (Hands the burger back to WARRIOR 3.) I couldn t take this from you know what it means and all. WARRIOR 3: Wow! Thanks! (Eagerly eats the burger.) WARRIOR 4: (Hands BEOWULF a box. BEOWULF removes a Barbie doll.) It s Lady Macbeth Barbie. She makes her husband commit an act of cold-blooded homicide, and she loses her mind and walks in her sleep. Look! Her hands are covered with blood spots. BEOWULF: Well I don t know what to say. I d give it to my little daughter if I had a little daughter and she was psychotic. HROTHGAR: And from the king, the best gift of all! Go look outside. (BEOWULF crosses LEFT and looks OFFSTAGE.) Uh the other outside. (Points RIGHT.) BEOWULF: (Crosses RIGHT and looks OFFSTAGE.) I see a horse. A really tiny horse. HROTHGAR: A pony! BEOWULF: (Not impressed.) That s great. Do I eat it or something? HROTHGAR: No! You ride it! BEOWULF: But my feet would drag on the ground. And I d probably break its little back. HROTHGAR: You think it s cute, don t you? (ALL of the WARRIORS look knowingly at BEOWULF.) BEOWULF: Oh yeah. It s cute, all right. HROTHGAR: Now we need a good old-fashioned Danish song of encouragement. WARRIOR 3: I know just the song! (Sings.) A hundred bottles of mead on the wall, A hundred bottles of mead Take one down, pass it around, Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall HROTHGAR: (Interrupts.) Let s not sing that one. WARRIOR 3: Why not? 12 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

17 HROTHGAR: Because we ll enter another historical era before we get to the end. How about this one? (Sings.) For he s a jolly good fellow, For he s a jolly good fellow, For he s a jolly good fellow (Speaks.) Are you guys going to sing or not? ALL: (Sing.) which nobody can deny! HROTHGAR: Okay, Beowulf. You ve received gifts, you ve been serenaded UNFERTH: And don t forget taunted! HROTHGAR: Yes. All that great stuff. Now, go kill that monster! (GRENDEL ENTERS RIGHT, growling fiercely.) Speak of the devil. Grendel! We were just talking about you. BEOWULF: Prepare to die, monster! (Jumps at GRENDEL and BOTH EXIT LEFT. WARRIORS watch the OFFSTAGE struggle.) WARRIOR 4: Do you think he can do it? ALL: Naw! (JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (ENTERS LEFT.) So, Jeff. It looks like we have our first big fight of the evening. Beowulf versus Grendel. And my money s on Beowulf. JEFF: Is that the money you won at the racetrack, Christine? CHRISTINE: It s a figure of speech, Jeff. Whoa! Someone s taking quite a beating (A fake hand is thrown ON LEFT.) and quite a dismemberment. WARRIOR 1: Oh, look! The monster s running away! (ALL cheer.) UNFERTH: (Shouts to GRENDEL.) You call yourself a monster? I ve seen scarier monsters on Nick at Nite reruns! You loser! HROTHGAR: (To UNFERTH.) He still has one good arm. UNFERTH: Uh-oh. (Shouts to GRENDEL.) Some of those reruns can be kind of scary! Maybe you should get that mortal wound looked after! There s a quick clinic at the edge of the swamp! (BEOWULF ENTERS LEFT. ALL cheer.) HROTHGAR: Beowulf, you are our hero of the moment! (Picks up the hand.) We will mount this on the wall of the mead-hall so all can enjoy the victory over the evil monster. This thing is disgusting. (Hands the hand to WARRIOR 1.) And now, we shall celebrate the victory of good over evil! Good will always triumph because because uh because I say it will! Now, who wants to ride a pony? (ALL but CHRISTINE, HROTHGAR and BEOWULF cheer and EXIT RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (Crosses to HROTHGAR.) That was quite a victory for your boy, Beowulf. 13

18 1 2 3 HROTHGAR: I haven t been this excited since our explorers discovered the earth is flat. CHRISTINE: (To BEOWULF.) What about next season? There is the little matter of Grendel s mother to contend with. BEOWULF: (Uncomfortable.) Grendel s mother? CHRISTINE: A powerful and evil hag of a monster, with a sister named Carmela. BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) I didn t know he had an evil mother. HROTHGAR: How bad could she be? Look at the way you took out Grendel in the first round. (To CHRISTINE.) I need to get the champ back to the locker room. BEOWULF: How big is his mother? (EXITS RIGHT with HROTHGAR.) CHRISTINE: That s it from the mead-hall, Jeff. JEFF: Thanks, Christine. I hope you can take care of that little matter with your parole officer before the station manager finds out about what you DIDN T put on your resume. CHRISTINE: Thanks, Jeff. I hope they can drop some of those charges against your mother. Prison time would not be good for a woman her age. (EXITS RIGHT. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Two Scene Three LIGHTS UP: JEFF is FORESTAGE RIGHT. BOBBY ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT. JEFF: Let s go to the swamplands and our reporter, Bobby Burns. Bobby? Are you there? BOBBY: I m here, Jeff. And I can tell you things really started hopping a few minutes ago. Grendel returned home without his hand, and his mother was furious. (GRENDEL and Mrs. GRENDEL ENTER FORESTAGE LEFT. GRENDEL hides his right hand under his arm.) MRS. GRENDEL: How on earth can you lose your hand? It s bad enough you lost your wallet, your cell phone, your lunch money, but your hand? How do you explain something like that? GRENDEL: (Pouts.) I don t know. MRS. GRENDEL: Is that all you have to say? GRENDEL: I guess. MRS. GRENDEL: What happened? GRENDEL: Those Danes got this guy, Beowulf, and he s really tough. MRS. GRENDEL: Oh, he s really tough, is he? He doesn t know the meaning of the word tough! I ll go up to that stupid mead-hall and rip his arms and legs off! I ll cook what s left of him over the fire 14

19 1 2 3 and feed it to the dogs! I ll pluck him bald one hair at a time! Then I ll really hurt him! GRENDEL: It ain t such a big deal, Mommy. MRS. GRENDEL: It ain t such a big deal? (GRENDEL shakes his head.) He ripped off your hand! GRENDEL: I ll grow another one. MRS. GRENDEL: You can t grow another hand, son. GRENDEL: I can t? MRS. GRENDEL: I m afraid not. GRENDEL: Why not? MRS. GRENDEL: It s called autotomy and regeneration. Certain species, like lizards, can lose certain appendages and they ll grow back. GRENDEL: Why can t I do it? MRS. GRENDEL: Because you re not a lizard! BOBBY: (Crosses to MRS. GRENDEL.) Mrs. Grendel. I guess you re pretty upset over your son s loss to Beowulf. MRS. GRENDEL: (Calmly.) Well, there s always next season. BOBBY: He took quite a beating. MRS. GRENDEL: Yes, he did. I m afraid he s just going to have to curl up in the swamp and die. GRENDEL: I m feeling a little better. MRS. GRENDEL: Don t interrupt Mommy when she s doing an interview! GRENDEL: (Holds up his hand.) Mommy, Look! My hand grew back! MRS. GRENDEL: Well, isn t that nice. You must be some kind of large reptile. GRENDEL: (Wiggles his fingers and looks at his hand.) It kind of hurts. BOBBY: What can we look for from the Grendel family in the months to come? MRS. GRENDEL: Well, Bobby, we re going to train hard, reduce our Danish intake, get lots of rest and try and avoid the media circus that s arisen from this thing. No offense. BOBBY: None taken. Best of luck to you. (Shakes hands with Mrs. GRENDEL, then GRENDEL.) GRENDEL: (Groans in pain as BOBBY squeezes his hand.) That hurt! MRS. GRENDEL: (Takes GRENDEL by the ear.) Let s get out of here, you big baby! (EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT pulling GRENDEL by his ear.) BOBBY: Well, Jeff. That s how things in the swamplands are going. I m sure we re going to see an exciting rematch coming up. 1

20 JEFF: Thank you, Bobby. Watch out for those mosquitoes. (BOBBY EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) Let s go back to the mead-hall because I think something is about to happen. Christine? Are you there? CHRISTINE: (ENTERS RIGHT with WARRIORS, who take positions at the table.) I m here, Jeff. And let me tell you, the mead is flowing. (WARRIOR hands CHRISTINE a mug.) King Hrothgar has been toasting and singing and dancing. It s been quite an evening. WARRIORS: (Chant.) Par-ty! Par-ty! Par-ty! JEFF: Sounds like the Danes are a little out of control. They d better not let their guard down. CHRISTINE: That s right, Jeff. Grendel might be out for the season, but there s no telling what Mama Grendel might have up her sleeve. JEFF: What s that in your hand there, Christine? CHRISTINE: This is mead. One of the Warriors just passed it to me. I must say, in all my days of reporting, I have never tasted mead. I m not really sure what it is. JEFF: Why not give it a try and let our audience know what the medieval world used for Dr. Pepper. CHRISTINE: Okay, Jeff. Here goes. (Sniffs the mug and makes a sour face.) Smells kind of like dirty gym socks. (Takes a drink, makes a sour face, then puts her hand over her mouth.) JEFF: I m taking it that mead is an acquired taste. CHRISTINE: Excuse me, Jeff. (EXITS LEFT.) JEFF: Well, that leaves me to report on the festivities at King Hrothgar s party. (Steps into the scene from FORESTAGE.) Reporting live from the mead-hall, I m Jeff Chaucer. And it looks like nothing is going to happen. This kind of thing always happens to me. I think I get this great story, then it turns out to be a dud. Nothing is ever going to happen around here. I might as well go back to local TV news. I used to cover the real stories there. A cat stuck in a tree. The school board voting what kind of shrubs to plant at the new middle school. (MRS. GRENDEL ENTERS RIGHT. ALL of the WARRIORS gasp and scream. JEFF doesn t look back.) What s that? Someone must have spilled their mead. I think I ll take a little coffee break. (EXITS LEFT.) MRS. GRENDEL: You injured my boy! Therefore, I m going to hurt somebody. Who is King Hrothgar s most trusted advisor? WARRIOR 1: That would be me. WARRIOR 2: (Elbows his way in front of WARRIOR 1.) Actually, that would be me. WARRIOR 3: (Elbows his way in front of both of them.) Sorry, it s me. 16 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

21 WARRIOR 4: (Elbows his way in front.) They don t know what they re talking about. I m the most trusted. WARRIOR 1: Tell me, what do you want with the King s most trusted advisor? MRS. GRENDEL: I m gonna rip off his head! WARRIOR 4: Then you ll be wanting one of these other guys. (Slinks away.) WARRIOR 3: I m really not all that trustworthy. (Slinks away.) WARRIOR 2: I m actually the second most trusted advisor. (Indicates WARRIOR 1.) He s the most trusted! (Mrs. GRENDEL grabs WARRIOR 1 and drags him OFF LEFT. SOUND EFFECT: A HORRIBLE MELEE. WARRIOR 1 stumbles ON LEFT and falls down. ALL watch.) Ouch! WARRIOR 3: She killed him! (To WARRIOR 2.) I guess that makes YOU the most trusted advisor. WARRIOR 2: Uh I don t want to be the most trusted advisor. YOU be the most trusted advisor. WARRIOR 3: Not me, man! (Points to WARRIOR 4.) Why don t YOU be the most trusted advisor? WARRIOR 4: A thoughtful gesture, but no thanks. HROTHGAR: (ENTERS RIGHT with BEOWULF.) What in the name of medieval literature happened? UNFERTH: (Crosses to HROTHGAR.) It was Grendel s mama, and none of your warriors did anything to stop her! She marched right in here and hurt somebody! HROTHGAR: (Looks at WARRIOR 1.) Who is that? WARRIOR 2: Uh that would be your most trusted advisor, Your Worship-ship. HROTHGAR: Oh. Well, that s a shame. I thought we had the monster business taken care of. (To BEOWULF.) Well, Beowulf. It s time for you to go to work. Let s head for the swamp. UNFERTH: It s probably a trap. And Beowulf s dumb enough to fall for it. BEOWULF: I don t mind slaying monsters (Indicates UNFERTH.) but does HE have to come along? HROTHGAR: He s just doing his job. Every legend has to have a taunter, a monster and a village idiot. BEOWULF: But this is the very first legend in the English language. Can t we set some different standards? HROTHGAR: I don t make the rules. Come to think of it, there are no rules. But we ve come this far. Let s go get that monster! (EXITS RIGHT followed by UNFERTH and WARRIORS.) 17

22 JEFF: (ENTERS LEFT with a Starbucks cup.) Where did everybody go? Did I miss something? (Looks RIGHT.) It looks like everybody s heading for the swamp. Guess I ll check it out. (EXITS RIGHT. LIGHTS DIM and COME BACK UP to indicate passage of time.) MRS. GRENDEL: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT talking on her phone.) It s those awful Danes, again. I tell you, Carmela, they don t know how to take a hint! I ve tried spearing them, I ve tried roasting them, I ve tried grinding them up into little Danish pastries. Still they go on with the celebrating. Then I send Junior up there, and he gets his hand cut off it grew back. But he s lost all his nerve. He s a complete coward! (GRENDEL ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT and looks around with suspicion.) Here s the big dummy now. Hey, Grendel. Say hello to your Aunt Carmela. She and the girls are heading down to Miami for Spring Break. GRENDEL: I don t want to talk to her. Has anyone been looking for me? MRS. GRENDEL: Who s gonna look for you? The fashion police? GRENDEL: I don t want the Danes to find me. MRS. GRENDEL: You re a total wimp! (Into phone.) He s a total wimp! Listen, I d better go. I hear some Danes sloshing around in the swamp. (Hangs up her phone.) GRENDEL: (Horrified.) DANES? MRS. GRENDEL: What are they going to do? Break in here and fight us? BEOWULF: (ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) Ah-ha! The monster s mother! MRS. GRENDEL: You ever hear of knocking, sonny? BEOWULF: You killed King Hrothgar s most trusted advisor! MRS. GRENDEL: Yeah? Well, you removed Junior s hand. BEOWULF: Let me see! (GRENDEL waves with his LEFT hand and holds his RIGHT hand behind his back.) Other hand. (GRENDEL slowly shows his RIGHT hand.) Looks to me like it s still there. MRS. GRENDEL: Well you hurt his feelings! And I m going to do battle with you until one of us drops dead! (Shoves BEOWULF, who shoves back. GRENDEL sneaks OUT FORESTAGE LEFT. BEOWFUL and MRS. GRENDEL continue to fight and push each other OFF FORESTAGE LEFT.) BOBBY: (ENTERS RIGHT holding a mug of mead.) This is Bobby Burns. I don t know what happened to Jeff Chaucer JEFF: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying the Starbucks cup. His clothes are muddy.) I got stuck in the swamp. 18

23 BOBBY: Wow. Your clothes are really muddy. JEFF: Never mind that! What s going on? BOBBY: Beowulf and Mrs. Grendel in a fight to the death! (CHAOS is heard OFFSTAGE. A shoe is tossed on FORESTAGE LEFT, followed by another shoe, a wig, a shirt, etc.) JEFF: This is quite a fight, Bobby. BOBBY: It is, Jeff. I haven t seen anything like this since Ali took out Sonny Liston back in well I don t know when it was. But it was before I was born. JEFF: Mrs. Grendel got in a good blow to the side of the head. But Beowulf came back with a strike to the abdomen. BOBBY: She has her sword, and she s trying to lop off his head. Now he has his sword and he s trying to lop off HER head. This is really some fight, isn t it, Jeff. JEFF: I ve never seen anything like it. This may be it! It looks like Beowulf is landing some pretty serious blows! BOBBY: This is definitely it. She is not going to walk away from this one. By the way, Jeff. What are you doing in the swamplands? I thought you covered things down at the studio? JEFF: Well, Christine drank some mead. I have to cover her beat while poison control works on her. (HROTHGAR and the WARRIORS ENTER RIGHT. BEOWULF ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT carrying several small cardboard boxes.) BOBBY: That s a shame. Say, where d you get that coffee? JEFF: Uh Starbucks. BOBBY: May I have some? JEFF: No. HROTHGAR: Beowulf. Once again, you have saved the Danes from monsters. We owe you our lives. UNFERTH: What s in the boxes? The new fall fashions? BEOWULF: (Kneels in front of HROTHGAR.) My king. I present you with the carved up remains of the monster and his mother. You can use their various parts to decorate the walls of the mead-hall. (The WARRIORS are horrified.) UNFERTH: You mean there s arms and legs and and WARRIOR 2: Heads? BEOWULF: (Hands WARRIOR 2 a box.) The heads are in here. I had to pack them kind of tight. HROTHGAR: Yes well let s go back to the mead-hall and celebrate! (To WARRIOR 2.) And let s leave the gifts here. 19

24 1 2 3 WARRIOR 2: But what about? HROTHGAR: Just leave them! Don t ask questions! (ALL EXIT RIGHT, except BOBBY and JEFF.) JEFF: Well, Bobby. This turned out to be quite a story, after all. BOBBY: I ll say. It s the kind of story that has Emmy Award written all over it. CHRISTINE: (ENTERS LEFT holding her stomach.) Okay. I think I m okay now. I just don t want to hear about mead ever again. Did I miss anything? JEFF: Just the biggest story of the year. CHRISTINE: Oh, no! BOBBY: Mrs. Grendel took out King Hrothgar s most trusted advisor, and Beowulf took out the Grendels. CHRISTINE: And I missed it! JEFF: I guess we should make our way up to the mead-hall and check things out. I ll interview the king. You can interview Beowulf. CHRISTINE: Well, what can I do? JEFF: Well let s see. Beowulf left those packages for Hrothgar. Why don t you look inside and see what they are? (Quickly EXITS RIGHT, followed by BOBBY.) CHRISTINE: (Picks up the package and shakes it.) This really isn t my property. But what kind of gift would Beowulf give the king? (Places the box on the floor, opens it, peeks inside, gasps, holds her stomach and quickly EXITS RIGHT.) JEFF: (ENTERS RIGHT.) This is Jeff Chaucer reporting live from the swamplands. Stay tuned for Beowulf: User-Friendly, Part 2. Thank you. (BLACKOUT. Boxes are removed.) End of Scene Three Scene Four LIGHTS UP: JEFF: (Stands or sits FORESTAGE RIGHT.) I m Jeff Chaucer, back at the studio with Beowulf: User-Friendly, Part 2. Once again, I call on our resident Beowulf reporter, Christine Marlowe. (CHRISTINE and GINA ENTER RIGHT.) Christine? Can you bring us up to date? CHRISTINE: Sure thing, Jeff. With me is our resident Beowulf scholar, Dr. Gulch. As we know, the story of Beowulf is a very long and a very old epic poem. What else can we say about it? GINA: Well, Christine. Because it s so old, it has a beginning and an ending, but it doesn t have a middle. PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

25 CHRISTINE: Why doesn t it have a middle? GINA: I don t know. I guess somebody lost it. CHRISTINE: That could make it difficult to follow. GINA: Indeed it can. We do get some flashback along the way. Beowulf left King Hrothgar at the mead-hall CHRISTINE: (Interrupts, to AUDIENCE.) Let me tell you, if someone offers you a mug of mead, say thanks but no thanks! GINA: Anyway, Beowulf s fame spread across the kingdom following the defeat and dismemberment of the Grendels, which was unpleasant to say the least CHRISTINE: Repulsive is more like it. GINA: It was repulsive, all right. It was bloody and gory and really violent. You notice most of the bad stuff took place off stage. JEFF: So, Christine. We have a pretty good story if you like slasher movies. CHRISTINE: It really isn t a very good children s story, is it? JEFF: Not unless you want your children to have nightmares and need counseling. Why do people read this thing in the first place? CHRISTINE: I was just about to ask Dr. Gulch. (To GINA.) So, why do students have to read this thing in the first place? GINA: Because it s old, Christine. CHRISTINE: What about themes of nobility and good versus evil and all the literary stuff we hear about day after day in English classes? GINA: You can find all those themes in this tale. But you can find those themes in almost anything you read. The main reason students have to read Beowulf is because it s old. If Stephen King were this old, we d be reading his story about the guy with the axe chasing his family around the hotel and talking about themes of nobility and good versus evil. Even if somebody lost the middle of the story. CHRISTINE: Thank you for clearing that up, Dr. Gulch. GINA: As I was saying. Beowulf and King Hrothgar said a sad goodbye. BEOWULF: (ENTERS RIGHT. A moment later, HROTHGAR ENTERS RIGHT carrying some gift wrapped packages.) Hrothgar! HROTHGAR: Wolfie! BEOWULF: I m going back to Geekland. GINA: That s GEAT-land. Not Geekland. BEOWULF: Whatever. I m going back where I came from. HROTHGAR: You ve been like a son to me! Here! These gifts are for you! 21

26 BEOWULF: You ve been like a father to me! I m going to miss you so much! I feel terrible. I didn t get anything for you. HROTHGAR: Don t worry about it! This is just a few items I picked up. Some deer meat. Some precious metals. Some human body parts. (Embraces BEOWULF.) BEOWULF: I m going to miss everything about this place. UNFERTH: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Hey, Beowulf! When s the last time you had a bath? Your mother wears army socks! Your armor looks like something the eighth grade shop class made! You ever hear of brushing your teeth? Just because we live in the middle ages doesn t excuse you from dental hygiene! BEOWULF: Well, maybe not everything HROTHGAR: (Shoves UNFERTH OFF RIGHT.) Don t forget to write. BEOWULF: We don t have a reliable written language yet, and nothing like a postal service to deliver what we could write if we could write, and then there s the matter of paper and ink and things like that. HROTHGAR: You really know how to spoil a sentimental good-bye. (EXITS RIGHT.) GINA: Beowulf returns to Geatland, where he is welcomed by King Hygelac and the Queen whose name is really hard to say. HYGELAC: (ENTERS LEFT with Queen. They cross to BEOWULF.) Hey, Beowulf! Where have you been keeping yourself? I hope you ve got some gifts and some cool stories to tell. We don t have HBO, you know. QUEEN: Are these gifts for me? BEOWULF: Actually, they were given to me QUEEN: (Grabs packages from BEOWULF.) I just love surprises. BEOWULF: Well uh be my guest. HYGELAC: So, how were the Danes? Did you take care of that monster Grendel? We don t have anything to do for the next 3 years. Why don t you come up to the castle and tell us about your little trip? (EXITS LEFT followed by QUEEN and BEOWULF. Thief ENTERS RIGHT, and looks around. He sneaks around the classroom and goes through the teacher s desk, students backpacks, etc.) JEFF: This would be a pretty good place to end the story, Christine. CHRISTINE: It would, Jeff. But you wouldn t know anything about the end. JEFF: Can Dr. Gulch fill us in? GINA: I ll be happy to. A terrible war started with the Shylfings, and King Hygelac lead his troops into battle and was mortally wounded. 22

27 CHRISTINE: Well, that s not good. GINA: Hygelac s son, Hygelac Junior, becomes King of the Geats. And then he dies. And Beowulf ascends to the throne. CHRISTINE: Who won the war with the Shy flying people? GINA: We don t know. But we do know that Beowulf ruled Geatland for 0 years. BEOWULF: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to CENTER.) Man, I am getting too old for this king business. I need a trusty sidekick. WIGLAF: (ENTERS RIGHT and crosses to BEOWULF.) I m available. BEOWULF: And who are you? WIGLAF: (Hands BEOWULF a business card.) The name is Wiglaf. BEOWULF: That s a pretty uh silly name. (Reads card.) Wiglaf. Professional Sidekick. Loyal, trustworthy, really knows how to heap on the praise. Good at getting into situations you need help getting out of, and screening phone calls from telemarketers. Reasonable rates. Well, Wigwam, I think you re just the man I m looking for. WIGLAF: That s Wig-LAF. BEOWULF: Of course it is. I tell you, Wigwam, being King of the Geeks isn t all it s cracked up to be. There s really not a whole lot to do. Fight a war here, fix a famine there, keep everything prosperous and happy. Sometimes I miss fighting monsters. WIGLAF: Maybe we can find a monster to fight. BEOWULF: I like your attitude, Wigwam. WIGLAF: It s Wig-LAF. BEOWULF: Whatever. Let s go drink some mead. (EXITS RIGHT, WIGLAF follows.) GINA: Unbeknownst to Beowulf and his trusty sidekick, a thief was out skulking around a burial ground looking for treasure. (Thief takes a sandwich from a backpack, opens it and takes a bite. He makes a sour face and returns the sandwich.) He happened upon a burial mound that had a curse. (Thief goes to the teacher s desk and begins to unpack the drawers.) CHRISTINE: I take it this curse is serious. GINA: It s serious. The thief accidentally awakened a great dragon that was guarding a horde of treasure. (sound EFFECT: GROWLS.) THIEF: Uh-oh. (Looks back. Dragon ENTERS RIGHT. [NOTE: The Dragon is made up of a line of students with their hands on the shoulders of the student in front of them.] The head of the DRAGON, the student in front, holds a charcoal lighter, a Bic lighter or a flashlight. The DRAGON surrounds the THIEF, who trembles in terror.) 23

28 1 2 3 Hi there. Nice dragon. (The Head of the DRAGON flicks the lighter.) Nice fire-breathing dragon. DRAGON: (STUDENTS speak in unison.) Prepare to die! THIEF: Uh I think my mommy needs me. (EXITS RIGHT quickly. DRAGON slowly follows.) DRAGON: Prepare to die! Prepare to die! (EXITS RIGHT.) JEFF: It sounds like problems for Beowulf and Wigwam. WIGLAF: (From Off RIGHT.) It s Wig oh, forget it! CHRISTINE: It does, Jeff. Here come some of the members of the Court. (CourtierS 1, 2 and 3 ENTER RIGHT.) COURTIER 1: Somebody unleashed a dragon. COURTIER 2: Aren t they an endangered species or something? COURTIER 3: Actually, they re a fictitious species. But that doesn t help us! The subjects are demanding that the king do something about it. COURTIER 1: Has anyone actually seen this dragon? We hear rumors like this all the time. COURTIER 2: I don t actually know anyone personally who s seen it. COURTIER 3: It could be a very small dragon. You know, they re not so scary. You call the exterminator, he lays out some poison DRAGON: (ENTERS RIGHT and crosses LEFT.) Prepare to die! Prepare to die! (Courtiers watch. DRAGON EXITS LEFT.) COURTIER 1: Well. That had a certain unnerving effect. COURTIER 2: I guess we d better tell the king. COURTIER 3: And call the fire department. (Courtiers EXIT RIGHT.) BOBBY: (ENTERS LEFT.) King Beowulf does not give press conferences, but I m at the castle at Geekland, and I think I might be able to slip in a question or two. (BEOWULF and Wiglaf ENTER RIGHT.) King Beowulf. What are you going to do about the dragon? BEOWULF: I suppose Wigman and I will have to fight the beast. WIGLAF: It s Wiglaf. Not Wigman. BOBBY: You re getting kind of old to be fighting dragons, aren t you? WIGLAF: Yeah? Well, you re getting kind of old yourself, buster! Wait a minute. (To BEOWULF.) Did you say you and Wigman were going to fight this thing? BEOWULF: The dragon threatens my subjects. WIGLAF: That s true. But it might be good for tourism. DRAGON S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Prepare to die! BEOWULF: No, Wig-worm. We re going to fight the dragon. 24 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

29 BOBBY: There you have it, Jeff. Beowulf is the champ, and he s not going to let a little age get in the way of doing what s right or doing what s smart. JEFF: I think the dragon has entered the castle. CHRISTINE: It looks like Beowulf is in for the fight of his life. GINA: I think I ll run back to the museum. I really don t like fights. Or intense heat caused by fire. (EXITS RIGHT. CHRISTINE follows her OUT. JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT.) DRAGON: (ENTERS LEFT.) Prepare to die! BOBBY: In this corner, weighing in at I don t know how much and looking really old, Beowulf! (OFFSTAGE actors cheer.) And in this corner, with a whole bunch of heads and pyrotechnics, and I don t know how much he weighs either, Dragon! (OFFSTAGE actors boo.) DRAGON: Prepare to die! BEOWULF: Is that all you can say for yourself? DRAGON: Yes! (BEOWULF runs at the Dragon. The Dragon ACTORS drop their arms. A fake fight ensues. Dragon ACTORS run OFF RIGHT. BEOWULF follows. Wiglaf looks OFF RIGHT and cheers BEOWULF on.) BOBBY: It looks like the dragon took an early advantage by breaking up into little pieces and running out in the road. Beowulf hacked away at them, but there seems to be too much dragon and too little Beowulf. Maybe his trusty sidekick would like to join in and help his boss. WIGLAF: Uh and maybe not. BOBBY: Okay. Beowulf took a major blow to the neck. It looks like the head of the dragon bit him! That s grounds for disqualification. I m thinking league headquarters might have something to say about this. Anyway, Beowulf is hurt, but he s fighting back with the strength of warriors! (To Wiglaf.) It d be and a half if you d join him. WIGLAF: Mind your own business! BOBBY: And the dragon is down for the count! One! Two! Three! Beowulf wins! Let s see if we can get a word with the champ. (BEOWULF ENTERS RIGHT holding his neck.) Once again, you re the champ of medieval world fighting! How does it feel? BEOWULF: That stupid dragon bit my neck! WIGLAF: That must have hurt. BEOWULF: (Sarcastic.) Yeah. Thanks for all your help. WIGLAF: You re welcome. BEOWULF: I believe your sidekick days are done around here, Pilaf. 2

30 1 2 3 WIGLAF: Oh, no. Give me another chance. BEOWULF: I don t believe I ll have another chance to give you. (Lays down on the floor.) I m going to die now. WIGLAF: (Upset.) No! Please don t! Stay around! I ll do better next time! BEOWULF: I have to go. WIGLAF: Why? BEOWULF: Because it s the end of the story. WIGLAF: Oh. Okay. (remaining cast slowly ENTERS and surrounds BEOWULF and faces the AUDIENCE.) JEFF: And so, our story comes to an end. CHRISTINE: Beowulf is carried to a giant funeral pyre and is buried with a massive treasure in an enormous grave overlooking the sea. BOBBY: And for centuries warriors kept alive the tales of Beowulf. GINA: Except for the middle part, which they lost. WARRIOR 1: Important themes of western literature were established. WARRIOR 2: Themes like courage, identity, the heroic code and the differences between a good warrior and a good king inspired writers, poets and students for centuries to come. WARRIOR 3: Maybe inspired isn t the right word. Try irritated. WARRIOR 2: Irritated writers, poets and students for centuries to come. WARRIOR 4: An age of chivalry followed with dragons, maidens in distress, guys with swords and really heavy suits of armor. JEFF: And so, we bring to a close our tale of a conquering hero in a land and a time far removed from our own. CHRISTINE: And we hope Mrs. Gulch will give us some credit for at least trying. GULCH: (Stands up from her seat in the AUDIENCE and crosses to the stage.) I am surprised. You seem to have a vague but accurate understanding of the characters, the elements of the plot, the history and the themes and imagery. BEOWULF: (Sits up.) So, do we pass? GULCH: (Now back ONSTAGE.) Maybe but I m taking points off for those ponies! (EXITS RIGHT.) STUDENTS: (Whoop and cheer, We Passed!, No more Gulch!, etc. BLACKOUT.) End of Play 26

31 PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ONSTAGE: Teacher s desk, student desks or tables, optional set pieces fireplace, deer on spit, wall decorations (swords, stuffed animal heads, team picture). BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Backpacks (one contains a sandwich), notebooks, etc. (STUDENTS) BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Ancient looking mugs (WARRIORS) Royal looking mug (HROTHGAR) Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL) Business card (BEOWULF) Coupon card (WARRIOR 1) Silly Putty, whoopee cushion (WARRIOR 2) Bag and wrapped burger from a fast food restaurant (WARRIOR 3) Lady Macbeth Barbie in a box (WARRIOR 4) Fake hand (GRENDEL) BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL) Various articles of clothing, shoe, wig (THROWN ONSTAGE) Cardboard boxes (BEOWULF) BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY) Gift-wrapped packages (HROTHGAR) Business card (WIGLAF) Lighter [or flashlight] (DRAGON HEAD) Fighting sounds, growl SOUND EFFECTS costuming MRS. GULCH wears dated clothes, cat eye glasses and a cardigan sweater. STUDENTS should wear contemporary kids clothes in Scene One. Then they are students playing characters, so costumes can be as authentic or fake as you want, or they could just stay in their regular street clothes. GINA, (as MRS. GULCH) should wear as close to the exact same thing as MRS. GULCH. 27

32 JEFF, CHRISTINE and BOBBY should look like a news team. JEFF S clothes should look muddy after he gets lost in the swamp. WARRIORS, including UNFERTH, should wear Teutonic helmets with horns, football helmets, motorcycle helmets, beanies, or anything else they can find in their attics. HROTHGAR should be the gaudiest of all. BEOWULF should look a little different than the WARRIORS. MRS. GRENDEL wears a housecoat, slippers and a hair net. GRENDEL wears a bathrobe in his first scene and possibly the whole play, but should look like some sort of a monster. HYGELAC and QUEEN should dress as royalty. WIGLAF and THIEF can dress however the director sees fit. The DRAGON consists of a line of students with hands on the shoulders of the person in front. They move and speak together. 28 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

33 Thank you for reading this E-view. This E-view script from Pioneer Drama Service will stay permanently in your Pioneer Library, so you can view it whenever you log in on our website. Please feel free to save it as a pdf document to your computer if you wish to share it via with colleagues assisting you with your show selection. To produce this show, you can order scripts for your cast and crew and arrange for performance royalties via our website or by phone, fax, or mail. If you d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer service representatives are happy to assist you when you call during normal business hours. Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals Outside of North America Fax PO Box 4267 Englewood, CO We re here to help!

34 Why PionEER: DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMA Words on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible: Maintain control of your casting. We know you can t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays. Adapt and customize. Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around. Be original. Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year. Take advantage of our teaching tools. Pioneer s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production. It s like having an assistant. Use our Director s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes you ll love our spiral-bound, 8½ x 11 books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes. Videotaping? We d be disappointed if you didn t! With Pioneer, you ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.